Three gunshots rang out in March 1995 that earned a Florida man some new clothes and a trip to Colorado, financed by his victim. Those same three bullets changed Wayne Uber’s life forever, and put him on a path to healing – healing himself, healing his family and healing victims of violent crime in North Carolina.
Wayne Uber’s twin brother, Jeff, was shot twice in the chest and once in the back of the head. His killer robbed him of three credit cards and a checkbook before ditching his vehicle in a mall parking lot and stuffing Jeff’s corpse in a storage locker.
That was nearly 13 years ago, and although the pain has dulled, Wayne Uber honors his brother’s memory every day as he guides local families through the difficult times that follow a loved one’s murder.
“I had come to conclude that Jeff’s murder had to result in something positive. And all of the lessons that I had learned couldn’t be wasted. I had to share the things my family had endured,” Uber told NC WANTED.
Uber, who lives in Chapel Hill, formerly served on the board of directors of North Carolina’s Victim Assistance network, a victim advocacy organization that provides resources to victims and their families and advocates for legislative reforms to benefit those who suffer at the hands of violent criminals. He remains active in the network.
In 1999, he also started a nonprofit called Helping All Loved Ones Survive, a support group for the family and friends of murder victims.
As a victims’ advocate, Uber hopes to provide guidance to victims’ families in dealing with these stressful processes: an investigation, a trial and the media coverage that turns their personal stories into headlines and soundbytes. He tries to comfort the families, warn them of what to expect as the murder case unfolds.
But he didn’t choose to be a victims’ advocate, Uber said, it chose him.
Between providing information to law enforcement and being thrust into a media frenzy, the families of murder victims rarely receive privacy and solace to grieve.
“Not only do you have these issues of dealing with a burial, consoling your relatives, dealing with law enforcement, things like that, but you’ve got … trials, media exposure,” Uber explained. “You’re living in a fish bowl for a while.”
In the blur that follows the death of a loved one, Uber recalled, family members are forced to deal with law enforcement, media, lawyers, the department of corrections. Without a go-to person who can ease them through the process, families can become overwhelmed by the legal system.
Jeff’s case was wrapped up in about a year, Uber said, because the killer pled guilty before the case went to trial. Many families, however, spend three or more years awaiting justice. The wait can be frustrating to people unaccustomed to the “minutia,” the legal “mumbo jumbo” that a criminal trial can seem to victim’s families, he said.
And then there is the media coverage. Although Uber has become comfortable with speaking to media outlets about his brother’s murder, he recalled the surreal feeling of watching the story on television.
When you watch the local news, “you associate those events with other people,” he said. “But all of a sudden, you’re the teaser for one of these stories.”
Dealing with the media is another burden placed on the family after a loved one’s murder. Acting out of pain and grief, family members sometimes need guidance before submitting to media requests. Uber advises people to take time to think things through before making public statements.
“When you’ve gone through a very shocking, traumatic experience, the first thing out of your mouth may not be what you expect to say or what others really want to hear,” he said.
Helping others cope has become a way of filling the emptiness that Jeff’s death left in his twin brother’s life. But seeing the impact he has had on other families’ lives, Uber said, fuels his resolve to keep going, to find peace in tragedy, to turn something brutal and heartbreaking into something good.
But the questions never leave him. March 23, 1995 never goes away.
“You try to simplify things in your mind and remind yourself that it happened once and it was over with,” Uber said. “And you can’t take yourself back to that place thousands of times. Because that doesn’t serve a purpose, not if it hurts you.”
